I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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