i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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