Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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