Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
