She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
