I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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