Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Houston, we have a blender
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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