My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
