Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
