he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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