"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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