Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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