You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
