So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
