32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
