My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
