She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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