I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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