Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
