I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
He has the fingertips of a God
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