I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
So gin and wine won't be happening again
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
