Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
