Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
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