Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Randomize
