All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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