They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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