honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
