He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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