my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
