a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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