someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
