It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Randomize