I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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