i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
