I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
