Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
