Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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