I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
