I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
How's work?
Spinning.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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