My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
