Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Couch. On fire.
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