happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
