dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize