Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Randomize
