He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Randomize
