Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
