I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
