I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
