I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
