The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
