Your mouth is God's brothel.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
