You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
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