I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
