Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
