I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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