So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
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